Let me tell you an account of a detailed pal of mine known as Angry Vagina. One sexually discouraged day, she decides to join a mobile relationship software against the woman much better judgment. Dared to participate in by a Penis Custodian pal of hers (technically maybe not bangable caused by “nobody’s screwing company”) she actually is incapable of fight the process and thus opens up by herself commonly and blissfully with the opportunities.

Hence we start our very own story on the famous furious V as she downloads the software onto Rose-Goldie the iphone 3gs, putting her 6 greatest photos such as a superstar headlining picture as featured below.

Given small space to articulate the woman greatness, the woman is next obligated to condense her impressive biography into a couple of boner-inducing contours and finishes the woman profile perfectly. And almost like miracle, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for evaluation straight away appear on the woman feed.

Per online dating application guidelines, Angry Vagina must swipe remaining if a specimen tends to make this lady dried out as an item of sandpaper or else disgusts the girl. On the other hand she must swipe right if she desires fool around with the fresh shaft at issue.

Below we possess the privilege of watching her stream-of-consciousness as she sifts through the influx of moping scarecrows along with her new iphone.

Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)



Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)



Would we bang that man? No.

(Swipes kept)

Would I bang that guy? Maybe. Umm.

Remembering the important fairy reports of the woman youth, Angry Vagina instantly feels accountable to be very superficial and gives much more soul to her “swipage” as she goes on her look for Prince Charming.

Behold! me personally is completely new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. I hath spoken.

(Angry V therefore reinvents the story book dating story, but this time around when you look at the form of

Rapunzel

. Equipped with boner as opposed to sword, Prince slays impoverishment dragon in order to buy expensive new iphone 4. He now climbs enchanted rope of cyber pubic hair, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, frustrated V shoves him off dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong sound . . .)

Short find gay guys near me small dog. Pretends to be high.

(Swipes left)

Bicycle guy enjoys spandex. Testicle perhaps not large enough. Please mount bike versus girl.

(Swipes kept)

Wide range listed in profile. Congratulations! Purchase thyself rubber snatch.

(Swipes kept)

Too young. Like teenager. Premature spooge probably.

(Swipes kept.)

The reason why thus bald constantly?

(Swipes remaining)

“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed guys permitted.

(Swipes remaining)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes left, punches phone in face, inserts profile photo of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(Continuing like addicted.)

Software engineer pretending are interesting rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes kept)

Kind abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes left)

Too-much beard. Facial forest outcompete old growth woodland of annoyed Vagina.

(Swipes kept)

Gym selfies only? How ’bout knob pushups.

(Swipes left)

Oooooh! somebody is hat enthusiast. Should be covering bald spot.

(Swipes left)

You are living WHERE? Or perhaps is that for which you park your vehicle . . .

(Swipes left)





Wow you love activities? Fascinating. Certainly one of sort. Time for you erase matchmaking application and obtain hitched.

(Swipes remaining)





You love to SEXT? Where is actually center finger emoji . . .

(Swipes left)

Demonstrates themselves in picture next to hotter guy. Dumbass.

(Swipes remaining)

Claims to end up being challenging but is an individual trainer.

(Swipes remaining)

Children? Lady boner dead.

(Swipes kept)

Noted as “director” on profile. Of just what? Angry Vagina’s discomfort?

(Swipes remaining)

No account details. Hail to one picture of acne-prone epidermis. I would ike to go on and toss legs available for your needs now.

(Swipes left)

Happy vegan with image of alive cucumber. Manhood likely shriveled and starving for protein. I’ll get Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)

Whaaaat. Today they are offering myself women. Swiping remaining too quickly?

(Swipes remaining a lot more gradually)

(Angry Vagina takes break to make contact with closest friend “Nongay Wife” for nostalgic terms via text.)

“Nongay partner, i’m top the selected folks (otherwise known as Kitteh) through the wasteland like Moses. Looking around discover h2o or Penis Custodian. I really do not know if i shall endure. Please send help.”

(Waits for reply and goes on pursuit.)

Oh no! Swiped right accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Not allowed? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unattractive guy believes he is enjoyed. Fuuuuuck.

(unique determination.)

Left-swipage is actually slowly killing heart. Must make use of self-swipage for healing . . .

(furious Vagina requires impromptu split. Wasn’t prepared come back to knob desert anyway.)

(Short while later on, back on cellphone application like laboratory pet.)

Trump supporter. Types of sweet. Can’t. Allow. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes remaining)

Nipples pointier than my own.

(Swipes kept)

Chief Executive Officer of anything? How many unemployed dudes are there any?

(Swipes kept)





Yes! Long hair great. Lady-boner claims hi.

(Swipes right)

Tresses too-long. Homeless guy.

(Swipes left)





Student. Impoverishment lethal to ladyboner. . . must swipe before far too late . . .

(Swipes left)

Looks 8 several months pregnant with Budweiser.

(Swipes kept)

Cluster try with girls! Trying to encourage myself they prefer you.

(Swipes kept)

Freelance hot man. Don’t bang you in parents’ basement.

(Swipes kept)





A lot of razor-sharp teeth. Might also have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes remaining)

Convinced each photo on the profile is of various man. Angry Vagina is perplexed.

(Swipes left)

Weird smiley face. Appears as well happy. Probably serial killer.

(Swipes left)

Hot guy great human anatomy. Boring individuality and task. Swipe left, furious V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes correct)

Over 40 never ever married. Lonely selfish man. 50-50 if good in sack. Meh.

(Swipes left)

Thanks a lot for discussing top. I understand every little thing i have to understand. Bless you.

(Swipes remaining)

Oh no! Phone dying! Must swipe remaining! Should. Reject. Much More. Mushroom-head-

And just such as that, furious Vagina has to call-it quits for the day until a cell phone charger are found. Only for today.

Theoretically, the forced recovery time enables brand-new shaft leads the chance to swipe right on the woman profile now, showing their unique delusional desire of banging the girl. Most wouldn’t make a difference. But once her own picked “right-swipes” get back the favor, otherwise known as the “mutual match”, the story thickens.

Persistence, Furious V, Persistence.





Is persisted . . .